Makeshift Paper Girl

ugh i just finished my almost 4 day fast...... I feel terrible but my body looks good. i dropped from 125 to 120 in about 3 days of not eating (oh boy) cuz it's about as fun as it sounds right?

i'm almost getting sick of this but i know i need it and i know it's giving me the results i want...so it's very hard to let it go. I'm just so sick of thinking about food constantly, i'm sick of convincing myself i don't need food, and obsessing over every little scrap of food i eat. I'm sick of feeling sick and getting sick from not eating....but

i'm happy with my body. I'm so small now and i can tell. My body has lost a TON of it's previous mass. My boyfriend picked me up yesterday and was telling ym how light i was to pick up.

you have no idea how good that felt. Or when he told me that i didn't look so 'loose' anymore that my skin was finally starting to tighten over my muscles and bones. I feel beautiful, but i'm so wrapped up in ana i can't even find the time to enjoy the results from my efforts. It's never enough. It's always push, push, push, don't eat that, don't eat, that's fattening, you're fat, FAT, FAT....it gets to a point where your just so sick of it. Always constant, always there. like some lackluster companion at your side, making you feel whole but at the same time taking away and draining whatever body life that you have left.

i'm going to be honest and say that my body feels like total shit. I have a small headache and my stomach is always bothering me. It's like a constant wave of nausea and anxiety.

anyway i'm drained i'm going to try and eat something cuz i feel like a mess. I'm really going to try hard and not binge or get sick.

lets hope this goes better than i think it will. <3

omg. idk why but whenever i think of the past or see someone from the past i get sick. Like now that i'm out of highschool i never want to see anyone i went to school with again. Those people make me sick and they all never understood me or took the time to know me for who i really was. Not only that but i fucked up so much in highschool it left the worst impression on me going out into the world. I think of my last senior year in highschool and want to vomit. I run away from my past like there's no tomorrow ahead. I can't even bring myself to think about it...al the fuck ups and past relationships...it makes me so sick...and everything they used to call me. How i was reffered to as a slut for the majority of the rest of my days in highschool. How it was Me that fucked myself over..not anyone else. How i realized that what these people were saying was true..and the shame it brought over me. 

I still feel that shame lingering over me and dwindling. I'm trying to change my ways. Really very desperatley....and if i never saw any of those people again i would be fine and it would never make a difference. 

I can see their faces sneering when i become a success, the throwing of gossip, saying how they had fucked me once, in a proud voice. As if they were triumphant for fucking a highschool slut who had no idea who she was or who she wanted to be. She just survived. Then when she arose from her own ashes they acted as if they had accomplished something....like they had a part of me that i could never get back and they would never give.

...when in reality i'll be standing above all of that, and never see their thoughts, never give them a fucking second glance. But they will remember me...

They'll see me on tv and hear about me in magazines, in articles, in all the places that they once looked and never dreamed to see my face. I will get there. I will show them.

They are wrong. 
And i am stronger then to bend under their ideas and will.

all there is left to do now is try and succeed.
and succeed i surely will...you can make a note of that.

i woke up at like 6:00 am this morning which sucks because that's exaclty what i was trying not to do. I anted to pass the day away by sleeping but instead i woke up really early. I'm thinking i might just get high and try to go back to bed but i'm afraid i wont get sleepy and just wind up binging or getting voraciousley hungry.

This is my 3rd day of my fast. So far so good. No food has been taken in and i weight about 123 right now..which sucks cuz i expected to lose more. i weighed myself on seans scale and his is always accurate..it said 123 on the dot so i'm guessing thats going to be my lowest weight for today. I guess it was kind of stupid of me to think i would lose more than one lb per day..possibly less. Though i am losing weight (slowly but surely) it's taking such a long time! i mean my metabolism is obviousley shot 2 shit, and i have been suffering the past few days just trying to get myself into gear. Everynight that i've been getting high i've denied my food like a trooper..and it makes it soo much more difficult when you're high and you have the munchies..just willing you to eat everything in site, and then you sit around your kitchen all day alone on the computer or just waiting for someone to call...the whole time you're just thinking about food and how to say no to it...It starts to become routine..but still  very difficult one. I guess it's something you just learn to love, the hunger pains and everything else that comes with it. I made my own fasting bracelet to remind me to not give in.. It's worked so far.

i started reading this book called "wasted" by marya hornbacher. It's a memoir of her life with anorexia and bulimia. When she was younger she started out as a bulimic and then as she got older she grew into an anoretic...i've read about 100 pages in two days (while reading another memoir of an anorexic) which i have read about 68 pages into. But the books give me inspiration when i can't get to the communities or any thinspo. While i was reading i realized that my family has all the sighns of 'making' a child with an eating disorder. My family is very close, but also very prone to fighting and is very controlled and rigid. They said that most girls with a family like that tend to turn out to be the anoretics, while families that are more chaotic tend to shell out bulimics.

I also realized somethig this morning when i woke up, i could feel my bones through my skin...everything is such a pain in the ass now..like litterally. It's hard to sit down on hard surfaces because i can feel the bones in my ass, and i can't sleep on my side anymore because my kneebones hurt when they are on top of one another..it's a big accomplishment!

anyway i'm going to go finish my french vanilla latte, and possibly read a little bit of my said book.
still thinking thin <3
-Jessie

this is only day 2. I'm on a new fast..it's a long one. i'm going until about wednesday and maybe longer if i don't get down 120 by then. The longest i'm thinking bout going is a week. I haven't fasted for more than one whole day so this is new for me. I've never been able to fast for this long because i get sick...or i wind up just giving in..but i more or less just get sick cuz i try coming off my fast and i start with the wrong foods and i wind up feeling so awful.

But anyway today has gone well so far. I ate a little at the begging of yesterday but nothing since then. i also didn't work out yesterday but i plan on doing that after i'm done writing this.

anyway i hope today gets better. i know i can do this fast. i'll just keep going until i see my desired results :)

anyway lata! <3 =)

well i'm not sure what's going on but the ED community i usually go to isn't working. i hope they arent shutting it down or anything :(....well whatever. if they do i'll just make one of my own...

but it's like part of my daily routine to go to that community for inspiration. If i didn't have that community i wouldn't have gotten this far. So it definitley helps..

anyway yesterday went terribly..once again.

i ate and extra 3/4 of a breadstick, a medium iced latte with skim milk, probly like a quarter of a serving of swordfish, about 8 or 9 afterdinner mints, and half cup of rice pilaf. idk why but i can't make a meal plan and stick with it. I have to be able to eat whatever during the day and activley compromise what i'm going to eat because that's usually when i make the best decisions for myself.

like today thus far i've only had 3 small pieces of watermelon and a half cup of kashi with skim milk...i burned that off this morning. (burned off 400 cals..or really 397..but i rounded). So everything is going really nicely. i want to do so much better today. I'm so afraid i'll gain the weight back especially since i jsut bought me new size 5s yesterday! yes i fit into a size five in juniors now (a little snug) but if i just drop 5 more lbs i'll be perfect. I still want to get down to 115..that's still my no.1 dream...but it keeps seeming farther away the longer it takes to drop the rest of this weight..after this week i'll have been stuck at 125 for 2 weeks...and i really have to get my butt into gear. no more fuck ups!...and the thing is i know i'm going to have to go ona multiple day fast in order to lose the rest. I'm going to have to eat nearly nothing nad whatever i eat is going to have to be really low on calories. I jsut don't want to get sick again. That was terrible and it almost convinved me to give up because it was so awful. 

well whatever today is a new day and i'm very determined to do well. It just takes so long!!! i hate it! this is going to be last day of setting my metabolism up..though i'm not sure if i sould keep it up for a while. idk yet. we'll just have to see.

ok i think i'm going to try and post after every meal to make sure i'm staying on track. 

i just ate my breakfast and i'm about to go and workout.

i ate half the apple (which didn't taste too good)
and the half portion of kashi with soymilk.... believe it or not it seemed like so much more than it was! like i actually feel full :) (ha from 145 cals)

ok well i'm off to go and do the dance mat. i want to try and burn off about 500 cals today! i feel up to it!
anyway here i go! ttyl at lunch!

p.s: new rule. no eating after 7:00 pm

i'm going to try to keep my intake under 400

Breakfast:

- 1/2 green apple
40 cals / 11 carbs

- 1/2 cup kashi golean
70 cals / 10 carbs / 6.5g protein

- w/ 1/2 cup soymilk
35 cals / 3g protein

= 145 cals / 21 carbs / 9.5g protein

Lunch:

- other 1/2 of apple: 
40 cals / 11 carbs

- other 1/2 of kashi w/ soymilk:
105 cals / 10 carbs / 9.5g protein

- smart dog:
45 cals / 8g protein

145 + 190 (+carbs & proteins) = 335 cals / 42 carbs / 26.5g protein

Dinner:

- smart dog:
45 cals / 8g protein

- 2 cups salad:
12 cals
- w/ 10 sprays spritzer dressing:
10 cals

Total= 402 cals / 42 carbs / 34.5g protein



alrighty. i think that's gonna be great for tomorrow, it's about exactly what i want and it's really easy to burn off in one sitting. i'm worried i might have a hard time sticking to it but i'm going to make myself do it. If i can make myself fast everyother day then i should be able to pull this organized menu off just fine. i just have to remind myself that i've done harder things before, so this should be easy for me.

although i'm not sure if i should maybe even eat a little more? because though i will be burning off all these calories...i'm not sure if this will give my metabolism the kick start it needs. i may have to up my calorie intake to 500..but i'll see how it goes tomorrow.

anyway wish me luck! :) i know i can do it.

Morning:

watermelon & 1/2 plum= 20 cals

(binge)= 521

burned= 432

all together= 89

4 strawberries
25 grapes
1 plum= 143 

4 pieces/veggie sushi= 180

smart dog= 45
bbq sauce= 16

3 sm handfuls kashi= 50

sip of soymilk= 20


so about 477 cals for the day...and i'm ure ive burned some of them off just by walking around and whatnot.

so not terribly bad.
I'll do better tomorrow =)
<3

2 bites kashi bar= 30

i had the worst breaking of a fast today.

this morning i woke up and felt terrible. So i went down stairs and had a little piece of watermelon to begin breaking my fast. it made me feel a little sick so i didn't eat any more and took the dog outside to pee. Then when i came back in i had half a plum and felt unbelieveably nauseous. I went up to bed and tried layed down to try and get my stomach to calm down.

Well as time progressed it got worse and worse until i had to go downstairs to my bathroom because i thought i was going to throw up. i managed to hold the food down but i burped up a lot of air and had a little reflux.

Following almost throwing up i felt a little better and decided to try and get some food in me.
the foods i chose were the following:

2 little cups (about one serving all together) of frosted cheerios (110) 
half of two yogurts that were each about 200 cals
and a small icecream cone which was probly about 100 cals to 140.

so i had a 521 cal binge nad worked off 432 cals afterward...realizing what i had just eaten.

since then ive only had a little bit of fruit (all negative cal foods) and a corrot with light dressing.
i'm not sure how my body is going to handle the food i put into it today but i hope it doesnt make me gain weight back.

plus after all this restricting my metabolism has gone down really low, and although i had a successful fast yesterday i didn't lose a pound. So i need to start eating a little more gain and get my metabolism into gear.

I've been stuck at 125 for almost two weeks and it's about time that a dropped a few more. i dont want to be just 125 i want to be at least 120....but more than anything i want to be 115. And i know i can fucking make it if i can just figure out a way to shed these last 10 lbs!

on the way to my grandfathers i picked up 2 books that were memoires of girls that had anorexia, and then i bought a new notebook to keep as my own ana journal...i didn't feel like i had any notebook at home that would suite to fit as a journal so i wanted to start fresh nad buy a new one.

I know i'm getting obsessed with this whole thing. But i've come to realize that ive had an eating disorder for a while now, and at some point i would go back to ana. If i ever manage to get away from ana you can be sure that if i gain weight i'll be in this same place again.

I'm not sure what makes you a true anorexic but i think i have all the qualities. Besides i'm starting to get really wrapped up into this. Not only does it keep me occupied buti'm not bored anymore and i always have something to do. Whenever i have free time i'm either hungry and trying to surpress it or im working out or practicing eating healthy.

I'm an anorexic who's pro-ana, and loves it.
whoever thought? :)

i just realized today how shallow i really i am.

It really pisses me off now that they only want "average sized" models to do runways and photoshootd. And it's all because america is amde up of fat fucks.

idc what the u.s and the majority want. Skinny will ALWAYS be more beautiful than fat, and there's no way of getting around it or denying. Being ubelievably skinny is still a lot more healthy than being overly obese. Only difference is you look better in one.

I'de so much rather be falling-apart-at-the-seams-skinny, than being a fat fuck. I despise fat, and i despise people that try to premote being fat. It's just such a fucked up and twisted world.

But whatever. I'm so sick of venting and being angry..so on to other things i guess.

I'm fasting today. i want to try and do a multiple day fast. But i'm worried it wont do anything for my body. I just want to lose these last 5 lbs. I've been stuck at 125 for almost two weeks (or at least a week), and i want to break 120. My goal weight is still 115. And i still plan on getting there. I'm just going to have to start restricting more. It's seeming like i wont be able to get past these last ten pounds unless i fast them off. Because exercise and salads just arent cutting it anymore.

Then i 2 days ago my boyfriends mom had the most serious talk with me about being anorexic. She kept telling me she knew what i was going through (keep in mind i was eating a slice of vanilla cake with chocolate frosting at the time) and that i can't lose anymore weight. I kept telling her i'm not anorexic, but i don't think she believed me. By collarbones were telling her more truth than i was. But i still didn't admit anything. 

And it really bothered me that people are calling me anorexic now. I'm not even close to my goal weight yet. I can't wait to hear the bitch fits when i hit 115.
and i'm not stopping for anyone. Either they stay out of my way, or i'll just do whatever it takes to get my way. It's my fucking body! I hate these stupid interferences. And it's not just my boyfriends mom. My mom actually caught me looking at an ED community and it made her wicked supicious. But whatever. She doesnt think i'm too skinny yet. She thinks i've just been working out "a lot". 

So whatever. As long as things can smoothly everything should workout. I'm probly going to try and go on a multiple day fast...starting today maybe. If i do fast i think i want to go until friday. Because i do actually get sick after a while if i don't eat. I pass out really easily. So i have to be careful. I've been restricting my body since mid-july, and i've dropped 15 lbs. So it's been almost a month of restricting.

Hopefully my body will adjust.:)

anyway i'm off to fast!

p.s: i made a thinspo collage last night with whatever skinny models i COULD find in my new mags. :P lets hope this fat fad wont last forever.

anyway ..bye
skinny skinny thin thin

ok. So i've been basically fasting every other day. Yesterday i ate a whole wheat bagel with tons of light cream cheese, loads of carrots with light dressing, two oreos without the filling, and then i came home and had at least one serving of pretzels. But it made it suck especially last night since i couldn't exactly workout. So the second i woke up this morning i worked out for at least 30 mins and burned off 405 cals...but i feel so terrible because i feel like i gained weight from the bagel yesterday. And the only reason why i had it was because i was SURE that i was going to pass out. I was high, and i had asked my mom to stop by dunkin donuts because i needed something to eat. When i was ordering my bagel my knees were giving way and for a second my sight blacked out. i had to fight to not pass out. And there was absoloutley  no way that i was going to faint in public..

I honestly think that my body has a huge intolerance to anything with wheat or grain. I swear the second i eat anything that has bread or high carbs i gain so much weight back. i feel like my arms have gotten fuller sicne last night...and it's making me sick to think about it.

But that's why i'm going on the fast today. So that all that happened yesterday will hopefully go away. I really hate working out but when i'm so desperate i'm more than happy to work my ass off and sweat for an hour or two. There's nothing i want more than to be skinny, and there's nothing that will drive me to workout more than the possibility of gaining weight back. Especially after all this hard work.

I've lost about 15-16 lbs in three weeks. I feel great. But it's still not even close to being enough. I need to get to 115...need. end of story. i need to get there. granted i'm no workout fanatic. but i know i can get there if i keep going and if i just stay strong. I need to restrict myself more. Especially around bread and things like it.

anyway i'm off to drink my fasting tea and keep myself occupied and away from food.

yesterday i binged...i had practically a whole orange roll and a small piece of cake. i felt terrible afterwards.

but today is a new day and i'm going to fast. One day fasts always seem to be the most beneficial to me. i don't lode the weight right away. but the next day is usually when it comes off for me.

But i'm also really excited about today because i'm going to my aunts salon and i'm getting my hair dyed blonde. I'm not really worried about what anyones gonna think because it is what i want. Plus i used to associate being fat with being blonde. Now i think of it as being the 'skinny' hair color. idk why. i guess it's because i was gaining back weight when i had darker hair....so it's back to blonde.

Sean wanted my hair to be dyed red. right now it's a strawberry blonde color and he likes it but i hate it soo much. i look like a fucking carrot. It's def. not my color so i'm going to get it dyed and really light looking natural blonde. Plus i'm not sure how much i care about what sean thinks of me anymore. He says he doesnt want me going under 120 lbs, and my goal weight is 115. He always wants me to BE a certain way..and it's never the way i want. He wants to change me so much so that i'm this little perfect girl (according to his standards) and if he jsut opened his eyes a little he would see that i'm really not! Like i'm not sure if i'm even attracted to him anymore. Like everytime i'm around him i always feel bigger. I've felt that way since we started going out. And i'm really sick of having a boyfriend that's alwasy been lighter than me and skinnier. It's fucking gross and it makes me feel obese. I shouldn't have to feel that way. Especially if i'm at 125. i just dropped under his weight for godsakes. He's always been around 130-135...and that's where i used to be. So i just recently became lighter than him, and he likes it A LOT. It's too bad because i'm not sure how much longer we're going to last. I don't even wanna have sex with him anymore. I'm just never in the mood. And whenever i'm around him i feel pissed off like i'm wasting my time. I just want to breakup and get it overwith before we go to college. 

I'm so sick of being the fat girl with the skinny guy. If i ever find someone again he's gonna have to be big, or at least muscular. for once in my life i want a guy that i'm ACTUALLY attracted to. I mean i am attracted to sean just not how i used to be....i guess it's just getting old.

But until then, it's only 2 more weeks until college. yay! and by then i'll be skinny and i'll be ready to start something new. Everything will be better. and it will be so much easier to do whatever i want. I'm so sick of this house and being trapped.

and i'm so excited! i want to be pretty! =)

I'm geting more and more skiddish about food. 

Even if it's jsut a salad i freak out and tell myself 'no'. I'm worried because if i don't start getting up the courage to eat something i'm going to gain all the weight back. It's jsut so hard for me to start eating again. It makes me feel like i'm going back to my old ways, and that's something i never want.

I figured that i could stay this way forever. I could continue to eat healthy, and have light workout and still be at the same weight. My new 3 lb weight loss overnight triggered that thought. I had binged the night before on about 500 cals, i had a half hour workout before i went to bed, and when i woke up the morning i was 125. I was very pleased, and so so happy. But the more weight i lose the more i fear it's easier for me to fail. I don't know if thats true yet. But i think my eating habits alone will allow me to lose more weight even if i stop working out completely.

For the first time yesterday i avoided smoking pot when it was offered. well....sort of. i pretended to smoke. I got a little bit high but not high enough for me to get the munchies so i wouldn't pig out at work. It was such a hard restraint yesterday. 

All the girls in work got these calzones and fried chicken tenders, and i ordered a grilled chicken salad (the chicken and croutons never made it to my stomach though. i threw them out). Not only that but one of the drug reps came in with a box of huge panera cookies, and my mother had ordered jalepeno poppers....i am proud to say i ate nothing except a few bites of my salad.

then afterwork i went to a bar with a few people and had a huge stack of chips and salsa shoved right in my face. i had one, and was dying for another but i restricted myself and i felt great after leaving. i just wanted to get the hell out of there. haha.

Anyway, right now i'm looking at thinspo videos on youtube and drinking fasting tea.
I'm in love with my life of ana right now. Though sometimes it sucks, for some reason i love it more than anything<3

today's fast went over terribly. 

i wound up eating i think over 500 cals.

i had a salad with light italian dressing w/ no chicken or croutons, and a quarter of a full piece of pita bread.
I came home and had 2 plums
I went over to my boyfriends and ate mozzarella string cheese, at least 4-5 strawberries, and 3 small pretzels.

overall it was ok. But i'm still a little dissapointed. i could have done better. But i wound up working out when i got home anyway so im not feeling that guilty. Plus my boyfriends dad said that i looked great, and asked if i had lost weight. (obv. yes)..but it made me feel really good that my efforts are coming through and being noticed. I want so much to have the results i want and i work my ass off so hard to get to where i am. So it's good to finally have some kind of recognition....

even if it is my boyfriends dad....eww :-/. haha

my boyfriend just dumped me..or i dumped him i'm not ever really sure at this point.

I have this sick feeling in my stomach but i'm not crying, or devastated....and i feel weird that i'm not. i was with him for 2 years almost, and now that we're separated i don't feel a thing.

which i guess is better than feeling what i could feel at this point.
Idk what's wrong with me. 

We broke up cuz i was hanging out with one of my friends and i didn't tell him about it. He found out, and this friend of mine is guy so he like flipped on me. He doesn't trust me at all, and he doesn't ever let me see any of my friends. He makes me really miserable sometimes to the point where i don't even know why i'm with him.

But i've stayed with him all this time because i love him and because i don't know what life would be like without him. I never thought i could ever leave him. It seemed so impossible and i felt trapped. He was the longest relationship i ever had, and i did some pretty bad things to him in the past... but he's done some bad things too.

i havent talked to him since our last phone call which was about 40 mins ago. He hasn't called me, i havent called him. so i guess it's over for real this time. He said he doesnt want to talk to me anymore....

I am hurt. But i feel free again. My mom's really happy for me because she always knew how controling he was. Not only that but the rest of my family and friends are happy for me too. I've been told so many times to not allow him to push me around. 

But now that it's over i'll never be pushed again.

I love him but not how he makes me feel. I know he loves me.
But everything is just so fucked. Our relationship should've ended a more than a few months ago after i fucked up. I still regret it. I regret who i am till this day. But there was no way i can change, and he wont either.

we are who we are.

and sometimes we just don't fit. <3

my weight is driving me crazy. i can't seem to lose these extra ten lbs. 

i'm 130 right now, and idk how i gained back the weight cuz 2-3 days ago i was 128. i'm so upset. I'm not sure if i'll be able to handle maintaining a weight of 115 (if i ever get there) cuz that means working out constantly and having this ed for the rest of my fucking life....which i probly will anyway. But i'd like to think that i could jsut let it go.

today i plan on fasting cuz i feel like my metabo is finally kicking back in. I've been bingeing on fruits and veggies but somehow i feel like it's making me gain weight, and i'm getting so worried and anxious it's driving me up the wall. I can't lose my determination! not yet!

I want so badly to be beautiful, and to be skinny. It's all i ever wanted. To be happy with ME as a person inside and out. If i can pull this off it'll prove that i can be strong and determined and that i can also do what i want and feel good about myself. It gives me some kind of cotrol over my life where i feel like i have none right now.

I've never been down to 115...or 120 for that matter. It'll be a fuckin miracle if i get there. i mean at this point i would even be psyched with 125..but for now i'll just have to fast a little and see what my body decides to do.

anyway lets hope i can work these last ten lbs off. i gotta keep my determineation otherwise this whole thing will just fall through and i can't let that happen. Today only a few neg.cal foods and lots of water and green tea.

Let's just hope this works! :)

ok. well -

I finished my ana bracelet. and very proud of it <3

I'm making a necklace to match because my mother just asked me what the 'red bracelet' was for... I just told her i liked the color. haha. But it made me panic a little because i was worried she might look up 'red bracelet' on google and something on ana will pop up. 

what a fucking nightmare that would be. 
ugh i can see my parents dragging me to a rehab center for it the second they found out. 

But the worst part would be gaining back all the weight, with all my efforts lost....all over a red bracelet, and my mom's overbearing nosey-ness. 

oh god. haha.

I saw frank again today. This time was ok. We just hung out and really didn't do anything. But it was cool. 

He's going to school the 13th....and almost died when he said it because i was under the impression that he would be dorming there. Thus giving me like a week to be around him. But it turns out it's just a trade school so he wont be going anywhere.

Then we talked a little and he thinks i'm one of the 'sweetest' girls he's hooked up with. Which was kinda funny since i don't think i'm that gorgeous at all. Plus he showed me all the girls he thought were hott..mostly his exes...and the majority of them if i was a guy i wouldn't be interested in. I'm not really intimidated by these other girls in his life at all because i don't see them as a threat. If i thought they were fucking gorgeous i might be a little thrown off but i'm really not. 

Then i also realized something else. Like frank is pretty attractive...but i don't think i'm completely attracted to ALL of him. Like i tend to like taller guys who have something on them. Don't get me wrong frank can be fucking drop-dead gorgeous. Like when he was getting dressed for work he put on these black baggy jeans and this loose tank, his hair was kinda spiked from being wet, and he had his guages in and i just fucking died a little inside. I really don't like being attracted to him. It kinda freaks me out because i go on and off with it. 

idk it's very rare that i find someone that i'm legitimately attracted to. It's hard for me to find someone that i think is fucking gorgeous all the time. Like some people can be hott one way and the other way they arent that striking.

But it's amazing cuz sometimes he just blows me away. like wow. why am i even around this guy. And i hate that feeling. I hate feeling not good enough for the person i'm with. I think that's why i'm so unshallow with the people i choose to go out with. Because the more average they are the more comfortable i am, and the more i don't have to worry about not being good enough. Or not being pretty enough. Cuz i know that they would think i was pretty, it's just the control is more in my hands.

I guess that's also why i'm pro ana.
everything leads up to another.

But yea so today was kinda lacking with me and frank. I'm hoping that we'll be able to hang out again soon and have a better time. Plus he seemed more distant today. i think it's cuz he talked to another girl or something...i'm not sure. Or he might be getting kinda weary of sean. I know he doesn't like him. Plus he was bitching that he was only 6 in my top friends. (haha) Maybe he wouldn't be in 6th if i was even IN his fucking top friends.

I'll have to have a talk with him about that later. :)

I am completely obsessed with my ED. 
It's all i think about and it's how i live my day.

So far everything since i have woken up this morning has been about ana.

i worked out.
i planned my 200 cal meal for the day for my 2,4,6,8 diet that i'm currently on.
i made an account on calorie-counter.
i looked at a bunch of thinspo videos on youtube.
i plan on going to ac moore today to get red beads for the ana bracelets i'm making!
i made a grocery list of the neg. cal foods and others that i need to get.
and right now i'm organizing my thinspo pictures into folders.

yeah. i feel completely absorbed in it. But i LOVE IT. i really do. Not only does it make me better but it gives me something to do when im not working or hanging out with people. 

I CAN'T WAIT until I'm THIN!!! which wont be long now. Maybe 1-2 more weeks and i should be down to at least 125-120. I'm hoping 120. My ultimate goal though is 115. idk if my body can even handle that weight though considering i have a larger frame. But we'll just have to see. The skinnier the better! and therefor a better me. <3

Skin, skin, is all your in my little lovelies. And someday i'll be more skin than most.

I just realised something..

It's only been 12 DAYS since my doctor told me i needed to lose weight.

so 10 lbs in 12 days? that's pretty fuckin good.
Last Weeks Stats:
H:5'4
HW:165
CW:138
GW: .....n/a

Current Stats!....

H: 5'4
HW: 165
CW: 128
GW: 120-115 (not sure yet)

finally! but i still have a little bit to go.
O well at least i finished my workouts today. But i might go for another walk later anyway :P.